


Blurred heart

by TheOrangeAurora



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Confusion, Fluff, Food mention, M/M, Valentine's Day, doubts, that's what Dan is dealing with here, yeah - Freeform, you know the feeling when you doubt something certain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-04
Updated: 2017-02-04
Packaged: 2018-09-21 23:23:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9571490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheOrangeAurora/pseuds/TheOrangeAurora
Summary: Based on the prompt: "Dan has always known that he loves Phil more than Phil loves him, and that was fine. Until one day that it isn't."





	

It was no secret to anyone, not to his family, not to Phil's, not even to their viewers to a point and definitely not to Dan himself. He had been thoroughly enamoured by the pale-skinned boy whose laughter always warmed his heart, whose bright blue eyes held so much of life and joy, whose fingers would curl into his shirt to hold him tighter in a hug and whose lips tasted like sugar. 

Dan was completely gone for as long as he could remember knowing Phil. 

And he was completely fine with it.

He loved to do the little things that would bring happiness to Phil, and maybe would even award Dan with a chaste kiss on the cheek and a brush of light fingers against his arm. No matter how brief the moment was, he cherished them and never tired of working for them. His everyday routine consisted of waking up, doing some chores, planning or filming a video, editing and then he would always find something to do for Phil. Mostly it was cooking the dinner, some other times - he would buy something off the Amazon that he thought that Phil would enjoy. 

Though a skeptic and though his past had stained the date, with the Valentine's day coming up, he could feel the excitement coursing his veins as he sat, a little curled up, in his bed, trying to browse the best high-end restaurants and the most amusing gifts that Phil could enjoy. Dark eyes softened when he noticed some plushies, but his attention was cut short when his phone buzzed with an incoming call.

Mum, the phone read, and he picked up the call while sitting up, only to hoist the phone between his ear and shoulder so he could continue browsing comfortably ''Hey mum,'' his voice was soft, the warmth mixing with sleep faintly. “Hello, Bear, how are you doing? Father and I were wondering if you would be free to visit for Adrian's birthday. He might not say it, but he would love having his big brother over.”

“Of course I'll be there, I've got him a present and all already. Should I bring cake or will you take care of it?” Though the questions were clearly answered, his tone was slightly distracted and his mother could hear it easily. 

“Daniel?” His attention was suddenly fully drawn to the call; when his proper name was used, he always felt that teenager's dread of having done something wrong, even if called over calmly ''What is it mum?'' his throat suddenly became drier and his hand stopped on the mouse pad.

“You never told me how you were doing,” he could hear the faint laughter in her voice and instantly relaxed, allowing a small smile curl his own lips ''I'm well, don't worry, I'm just browsing for places to take Phil to,'' he didn't finish the full thought but his mother knew ''For Valentine's day?'' 

He made a noncommittal nodding sound, feeling the warmth spread across his cheeks as if he truly was a teenager whose mum had only recently found out who his crush was. 

There was a sigh on the other side of the line and Dan's brow arched at the sound. ''What?'' the question came out a bit harsher than intended; he hated that sigh. It was always bad news or judgement. 

“Nothing, nothing,” he could almost see her bringing a hand up, defensively ''You just do so much for him, that sometimes it makes me wonder...'' 

His jaw clenched; this again. He'd thought that they had gone over it and cleared it up already 2 years ago, and yet here it was again. “Mum, there is nothing to wonder, okay.” He took a deep breath, not even attempting to hide the frustration from her about this ''Let me know about the cake, I'll text you my train ticket details later.'' The click of the ended call came before she could get a word in after that.

Tossing the phone at the foot of his bed, he shut the laptop and climbed out of the bed. It still made him so angry when people saw him as an admirer, as nothing more than a very devoted fan, when in fact, he knew that they were equals in the relationship.

Deep breaths, eyes squeezed shut, finally made him relax a little. And perhaps it was also the sound of shuffling from the other room just before Phil emerged from his bedroom, humming quietly to some song. Dan regarded him, softly, and their gazes met, a smile gracing Phil's lips for a moment before they fell into a more neutral line ''Dan?'' His tone, as always, was like the music to Dan's ears and he relished in the safety of the sound ''Nothing, just mum asking weird questions again.'' He could see the thinning line that was Phil's lips, and somehow there was a burning need in the pit of his stomach to kiss it away; he didn't want Phil's day to be ruined, no.

“It's fine, I told her off,” Dan chimed in then and Phil gave a small nod to that, walking up close to Dan to envelop him into a light hug and Dan instantly nuzzled his face into the crook of Phil's neck, making the older man chuckle ''It's ticklish,'' Phil explained unnecessarily and Dan heaved a light chuckle of his own before their hug was over as suddenly as it had begun. 

“Say, I want to take you out,” Dan finally admitted, when Phil was almost in the hallway again ''What?'' 

“You know, for the whole Valentine's day,” Dan waved his hand randomly, trying to brush off the awkwardness that suddenly made the air feel stale between the two ''Just some nice dinner, nothing too fancy.''

He looked over, hoping to see a smile, or just some acceptance of the idea, but all he was met with was Phil staring somewhere down the hallway, mouth a thin line once more. It reminded him of his mother's words all of a sudden and of the times that Dan's ideas were met with a fairly cool air “You don't have to, Dan,” the older man finally spoke up, the voice careful, not entirely dismissing the idea, but it still made Dan's stomach sink so low that he wondered if he would next find it in their downstairs neighbour's apartment. 

“Y-yeah okay, you're right, it's probably too risky,” Dan swallowed and turned to shift the few papers scattered on his table. 

“I'm ordering some Indian takeaway, do you want anything?” The topic was as if brushed under the carpet and it made Dan's heart throb and he shook his head, faking a yawn ''No, I think I will sleep earlier, I have to get some paperwork to the tax office, they didn't get the electronic signatures correctly,'' and though only partially plausible, the excuse was taken as it was and with a mutual, low 'good night' they parted their ways for the night.

Dan couldn't sleep, listening to the shuffling around the apartment at first, then to the silence when Phil had gone to sleep, and then to his pulse and his mother's voice floating around his head. 

Perhaps she was right; he did so much for Phil. He knew how much had Phil done for him as well, but the imposing doubts began to take over and it was before the clock struck 5:30am that he finally pushed himself out of the bed, chest constricting with the anxiety as he tried to not to let his breath turn short. 

He had to get out. He needed some fresh air. Perhaps he needed to just get away. To reassess what he was doing, why did people see it the way that he refused to see it. He'd always known and loved to do more for Phil, but it had never occurred to him that perhaps it was too much and Phil was growing tired of it. 

It was only about three blocks away from their apartment that he realised that he had actually left the house, and that somewhere along the way he had grabbed one of the shirts that he'd borrowed from Phil for a sketch earlier, instead of one of his black ones. 

And he was freezing, the jacket there on his shoulders but not zipped up properly. The cold seeped through the colourful fabrics on his chest, made his skin prickle, but it also made his heart calm down, the breaths becoming more even with every step that he took. His breaths came out in small white puffs, the early morning air crisp, awaiting for the sunlight to warm it up through the grey clouds of London. 

He kept walking. At first brisk stroll, only to become a lazy traipse somewhere along the way, a park that he realised was a good ten blocks from their apartment coming into his view. He, however, turned away from it, as the pale green of the place was seeding dread into his soul again and he only shook his head, trying his best to not think, to just let the cold completely swallow his limbs. 

Perhaps if he became the cold, he'd be more rigid towards these thoughts and feelings. 

After all, he reasoned inside his own skull, they often said that it was Dan who was like an open book, and he knew that Phil was the one who was more of a mystery. And hadn't that been one of the reasons why he'd fallen in love with him? The constant mystery, where most of the revealed bits were gentle, loving, caring, whilst the darker ones were like soft demons and yet, no matter how bad they got, Dan knew to counter them or live with them at mutual peaceful acceptance?

Hadn't they spent quiet nights, admitting that, truly, they knew each other better than themselves? The nights where they would promise that nothing would ever stand in their way anymore to admit it if something wasn't as it should be? 

So why was the doubt there, the dread still? 

A yawn broke from his lips, a genuine one, his feet dragging on the grey pavement heavily. 

His phone vibrated, hot against his cold thigh. Numb fingers fished it out and he saw the message awaiting was that from Phil.

_I made you pancakes, when are you going to be back? <3_

And as if nothing had happened, as if he hadn't spent hours in the city, allowing the shivers replace the numbness, he felt the warmth in his chest, filling his raw-feeling lungs. 

_Soon_

He shot a simple message back, taking the second of consideration if he should have added a joke to that, but his phone vibrated in his hand again and there it was, a picture from home, a hello kitty mug hidden partially behind the tea box, with a 'Soon' accompanying the picture.

He couldn't help but to smile. 

_Set the kettle, it's freezing today_

He stuffed the phone inside the pocket again and he didn't even have to check it again to know that the message Phil had sent back was one of some cute or funny confirmation. 

It took him a bus, some fumbling to find his travel card and awkwardly dropping it and thinking that people waiting behind him probably hated the clumsy giant that he was, that he finally arrived back. The warmth of the house was filled with a faint scent of cardamom and clove mixing with everything that Dan associated with home. He could hear the TV going on; probably some cooking show that Phil had left on in the background.

There was a shuffling, a bang of what sounded like an elbow hitting the doorframe and the accompanying gasp and hiss. Dan laughed and looked up only to see the smiling, glasses-wearing Phil looking down at him ''Dan!'' at times like these Dan liked to compare him to an excited puppy, though he would never admit it out loud “Did you get everything done?” 

For a moment he considered lying, but he shook his head ''I didn't, I'll do it tomorrow.'' And that was that, and honesty was enough between them.

“It's really that cold out?” Phil was appalled when he had enveloped Dan into a hug after he'd surveyed his best friend's and lover's tired, frozen state. Dan only leaned into the slightly shorter man, bunching the back of Phil's shirt into his hands and pressing his cold nose against the side of Phil's neck, feeling him shiver at the touch, but not pulling away. Dan hummed lightly, when asked if he wanted to eat, and only a soft brush against the back of his neck got him to look up again.

“Did you sleep well, Bear?” and the softness in that mere question nearly made him want to cry. He felt dumb, for just the mere softness of the voice could wipe away his doubts and his mind was a mess which couldn't figure out just why this felt so right and yet caused all the worry. “Not really,” he murmured and sat down, lead over to the sofa, curling up a little to hug his knees once left alone without the body warmth of the other man. 

The scent of pancakes and the warmth of a strong Earl Grey invaded his senses, droopy with the lack of sleep. 

“Come here,” he heard the low timbre and he closed his eyes, leaning into the other man, as Phil draped a blanket over the two of them, an arm wrapped around Dan's shoulders, warm and protective. A light kiss was pressed against his forehead and that feeling spread through his limbs slowly. 

“You can always talk to me if something is bothering you, you know that, right?” He nuzzled into the older man to that, taking a moment to reply “I know.”

“I'm sorry about yesterday,” there was a small hesitance in the voice and it made Dan finally crack his eyes open again, to look at Phil, watching as the Adam's apple bobbed when Phil swallowed and then laughed lightly “I just feel like I don't show you enough of my appreciation, you're always there with small, cute things, and I just bury my head into work or my imagination in search for more ideas.” 

Dan just watched him, quietly, sleepily, but every fiber in his body was focused on Phil.

“Besides, when you said that you wanted to take me out for the dinner,” Phil finally looked at Dan, the blue eyes instantly settling on the dark browns “I had just booked us for one, and I just...” he trailed off, but Dan understood. 

Of course he understood. It had been his own mess and over-thinking that mixed with his mother's concern that had gotten to him. 

He wrapped his arm around Phil's waist, rested his head against the other man's fairly square shoulder and closed his eyes “I love you,” he murmured sleepily, and he felt how his mind came to a halt and there was a full certainty in those three little words.

It was just before he fell asleep that he felt the light kiss against his hair and heard the quiet words “I love you too, Bear, maybe more than you realise it.”


End file.
